If At 1st You Don’t Succeed – Try, Try Again

Just yesterday I sent all of you faithful subscribers and readers on a bit of a wild goose chase. Granted you were able to read

The 10 Things I Hate About You or The Taming of My Own Shrew

but I’d asked you to re-subscribe at my new web location and subscriptions weren’t working. Thank you Dawn and Sally for telling me. But the problem is now fixed (thank you Michelle) and I hope that you’ll try again to subscribe. Cherry

I’ve Switched Sides|Hope You’ll Join Me

I’m now blogging on WordPress.org vs. WordPress.com. It provides me with some features I couldn’t get here. And I could take my archived blogs with me! But I couldn’t take my subscribers along.

Hope you’ll come on over and read my latest post:

10 Things I Hate About You or The Taming of My Inner Shrew

and sign up as a subscriber. I’d love to continue our relationship. Cherry

Five Things I’m Sick Of | Do They Resonate With You?

1. Exclamation points!!

2. Mugs, traveling or otherwise as giveaways. Conferences, companies: Please save your $ and save the earth. You’re only advertising  on the Goodwill shelf anyway.

3. SEO companies contacting spamming me on my website to tell me how they could help me – especially since they haven’t read my site. Be smart enough to comment about the site and what I do. That wouldn’t be as obnoxious and would cause me to pause and read about you vs. immediate deletion.

4. People answering their cell phones when they’re having lunch or a biz meeting with me. Folks – next time we can just talk on the phone instead of getting together to meet since the phone seems to be your preferred mode of communication. Or if you’d feel more comfortable we can still meet and I’ll be like the delightfully quirky Fitch on Detroit 1-8-7 and call you from across the table to tell you things about how I feel.

If my ire isn’t enough to change your behavior consider this extremely powerful example of why the constant tuned-to-technology behavior of “not stopping to enjoy the present moment behavior” needs to stop. Thanks to @Pamslim for tweeting this.

5. People who mumble. This is beyond Jerry Seinfeld’s low-talkers, these people aren’t enunciating their words. What’s that about? Do they not want to be heard? Are they afraid of their own opinions? Do they have a form of lock-jaw?

Thanks for listening. What pet peeves or things you’re sick of would you like to add?

Mission Accomplished|In The Winter Of My Life I’ve Grown Up

It’s true. I’ve grown up. I accepted it fully at Vision 2020:An American Conversation about Women and Leadership on October 21-22, 2010.

National Constitution Center

Actually it was quite fitting that the recognition of my true coming of age would be in the powerful  embrace of The National Constitution Center
in Philadelphia where all around me was the enthralling evidence of a birth of a nation.

It was also invigorating that the acceptance of my growth coursed through my body, mind and spirit while in the presence of extraordinary women delegates from 50 states and the District of Columbia who had come together to help shape the future of women’s leadership in the next decade. (At the end of the Conversation, the National Delegates return to their home states to mobilize resources to implement elements of the Vision 2020 Action Agenda.)

So What Happened?

I listened and talked with women who had founded a symphony, The White House Project and many successful businesses and non-profit agencies; also professors, college Presidents, Pulitzer Prize Winner, lawyers, doctors and yes, Indian – Native American – Chief and …

I was impressed but I never diminished myself.

I was awe-struck but I never struck my accomplishments down.

I was inspired without saying “I could never do that.”

There in the halls of history, I made history. I did not compare myself and find myself short. In fact, I didn’t compare myself at all. I recognized the unique abilities and contributions of each of those women, just as I recognized my own unique abilities and contributions.

No more comparison. No more stinkin’ thinkin’. “I ain’t gonna be a face in the crowd, you’re gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud. It’s my life. It’s now or never. I ain’t gonna live forever. I just wanna live while I’m alive.”

Click below and join the sing-along with Bon Jovi and me. It’s my [your] life!

The Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are| Can You Change Them?

Book with thought-provoking words and paintings by Marylou and Alan Falstreau.

 

It is the stories that we tell ourselves – the good, the bad, and the ugly - that shape how we see ourselves. Through awareness of our thinking – our assumptions, our all-or-nothing thoughts, our habituated patterns, our acceptance of media myths – we can change it. I changed mine to see:

The Beauty Of Aging

My wrinkles tell the story

of a life of experiences

adventures

comedy

drama

love

I am grateful for every one

for they’ve brought me to today.

The end.

 

Your Inner Neander-Babe|When Do You Use It?

“ Take a deep breath and think way back. Once upon a time, say 40,000 years ago you were a Neander-babe. You had thick, gnarly legs and a tribal chic hairdo. You coddled your young one minute, then stomped ugly snakes and speared marauding bears the next. Your nurturing and aggressive natures seamlessly entwined. You knew that you could be dangerous; could be a predator — not just prey. Melissa Soalt in her October 14th Huffington post.

Entwined Natures

Soalt says although women have evolved since the Neanderthal days, they still contain both aggressive and nurturing natures.  I agree.

When it came to protecting my kids I always knew I had within me a Neander-Babe.

Neander-Babe Faces Off  With Coach Bully

My older son (6 or 7 yrs. at the time) was playing Little League baseball – his first year after T-ball. He was assigned to the team with the gruff, coarse, head coach I had hoped he wouldn’t get. Although I considered asking to have my son switched to another team, I decided not to because he would, at some point, encounter other gruff, coarse people in the world.

Practices with the head coach were alright, tough but nothing abusive. The games were fine too, at least while our team was winning. Then came the game with our team’s main competition and we were losing. Coach Joe revealed his true persona – that of a bully. He was screaming at the kids and demeaning them. His most offensive behavior was towards the pitcher, his own son.

My son could field but was a poor batter. Not surprisingly he struck out. I was sitting on the edge of the bleachers, coiled and tense. The coach threw his hat down and let out a few damn-its but that was all. He acted out similar behavior to the next kid who struck out, but with more intensity. Typically, that boy was also not a good batter.

Our team lost. I was apprehensive about what would happen in the bull-pen so I walked over, watching at a distance. Coach Joe/Bully was on an abusive tirade. I waited for the assistant coaches to step in. They didn’t. Coach Bully, near apoplexy, turned directly on my son and the other kid I mentioned. He screamed the “P” word first and my Neander-Babe burst out – smokin’ mad. Within nanoseconds Coach Bully and I were nose to nose. He  called me names and used the f-bomb. I don’t know what I said but remember that I didn’t budge. Now the assistant coaches intervened, pulling me away. Me?

I always thought they chose to pull me away because they were afraid of Coach Bully, but after reading Soalt’s post, maybe they just saw the Neander-babe in me and realized the coach was going down. (Note: Coach Bully stomped off the field after our confrontation and quit being a coach in the league.)

Defending Yourself Physically

Soalt, aka Dr. Ruthless, provides examples of women like April Marchessault who at 5’1″, with no prior training, fought off a 200-pound, level-two convicted sex offender who slipped into her home one night while her children slept.

She also tells stories of women who fought off rapists and robbers. Soalt believes that sharing these stories is important:

• Because courage is contagious
• Because we’re already inundated with stories of women being overpowered and becoming victims on the pointy end of male aggressions
• Because drinking in these stories is good medicine, a curative tonic that bulks up the fighting heart and helps heal the ills and impotencies imposed by fear
• Because each woman’s story adds kindling to the fire that could one day save you or a loved one

Soalt advocates self-defense lessons for protection, making it easier to tap your Neander-Babe when needed.

Defending Yourself Verbally

I also advocate learning to defend yourself verbally in order:

• To speak up and say what is true for you
• To be willing to say no without guilt
• To ask for what you need and want
• To directly tell someone that you find their language, racial, ethnic, gender, and/or cultural slurs offensive and not to speak that way in front of you
• To do these things for yourself, not just for your children, family or friends

I consistently found these behaviors easy to do to protect my children, as you saw with the Coach Bully story. I also spoke up for other family members and friends but didn’t speak up enough for myself. That’s not true anymore. I stopped telling myself I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t deserving, or that speaking up for myself meant I wasn’t nice. Pure poppycock.

I rewrote the story I told myself about myself and now speak in my authentic voice. The chapters in my story are now happier and more fulfilling.  If I can help you reach the same place, let me know.

I’d like to hear what you think. Feel free to share any Neander-Babe stories you have. Recounting your story can be a tonic for someone else.

A Successful Bootcamp|What’s It Mean For My Future Success?

The following can be sung to the tune of the Kingston Trio‘s MTA.

Let me tell you the story
Of a woman named Cherry
On a tragic and fateful day
She put money in her pocket,
Kissed her son and family
Went to ride on DC’s sub-way

Cherry gave her metro card
At the Ballston Square Station
And she headed for G. W. U.
When she got there the conductor told her,
“One more nickel.”
Cherry could not get off that train.

If you’re familiar with the song then you know that Cherry  [Charlie] never returned, destined, in his case, to ride the streets of Boston for the rest of his life. I’m willing to blame that song for the fear that I have of taking a subway after a long hiatus (there are no subways where I live).

 

DC Subway Map

 

But no amount of subway apprehension was going to keep me from attending and participating in the pilot SisU Bootcamp: Your New Mission in the Sisterhood of Success at the George Washington University School of Business, Center for Entrepreneurial Excellence. Sisterhood University™ is the testing ground for research gathered by the Hot Mommas® Project, which is the world’s largest collection of teachable role models and mentors (aka case studies) for women and girls particularly in the area of leadership.

Riding the Orange Line and attending SisU bootcamp were well-worth it. I connected with amazing women. I met face-to-face with Kathy Korman Frey, with whom I’ve tweeted @ChiefHotMomma and participated in a coaching call with but never met. I learned about the power of a structured forum (click on the link for an explanation written by another participant, Cindi Thomas), as well as the magic of five for increased success in our work:

“We all need a group of 5 supporters in our professional life if we are going to reach our potential. Period.” Kathy Korman Frey, professor and researcher

So, as part of my boot camp assignment, I’ve identified 5 supporters/mentors to work with that can help me in the 5 areas I’ve identified where I need help in order to be more successful. SisU will provide a template for me to follow when working with my mentors. I’m excited, looking forward to the process, and will let you know my results.

By the same token, if any of you need a mentor in the area of Borderless Thinking please contact me.

Upon leaving the session after gaining ideas, contacts and hope I can tell you that my preliminary results showed am improved outlook by me – I was smiling broadly and looking forward to getting on the subway…so much easier than driving in DC traffic.

Are Bro’ Hugs A Sign Of Weakness?|Politics, Masculinity and Femininity

 

President Obama and Rahm Emanuel hug after Emanuel's resignation as Chief of Staff.

 

This hug caused Lawrence Kudlow, columnist, economist and CNBC TV commentator to fret because he saw it as a sign of weakness.

Kudlow explained his feelings (should I use the word feelings or does it make Kudlow seem weak?) by saying:  “Remember, this is on global television. And it has to do with the very top of the United States government. Our friends and enemies were all watching. I think the hug lacked dignity. It did not send a message of American power and forcefulness. So I fret about the reaction around the world to this kind of fraternity-like emotionalism in full public view.”

I think it’s time for Kudlow to look through some old home movies.

President Bush and Israeli Prime Minister Olmert

This picture is of President Bush and Israeli (another part of the world) Prime Minister Olmert embracing.

But they aren’t hugging as closely as Emanuel and Obama so maybe this doesn’t meet the threshold of Kudlow’s line for weakness.

Presidents Bush and Obama

Here’s a double whammy display of America’s so-called weakness – out-going President Bush with in-coming President Obama.

I wonder if Kudlow thinks that it was hugs like this by Bush earlier in his Presidency that caused 9/11. Perhaps Bin Laden saw the President hugging another man and thought “OMA, the sign I’ve been looking for. America’s weak – send out the suicide bombers.”

President Reagan and Mexican President

Kudlow said Reagan, in the same situation would have done a dignified, stand-up, serious handshake – maybe, but maybe not. Looks like he’s enjoying the big hug he’s about to get into with the Mexican President.

Prime Minister Blair and Jet Li

Here’s former British Prime Minister Tony Blair hugging Kung Fu star Jet Li. Notice someone’s arm in the background. Looks to me like that person’s coming in to make it a group hug. <gasp>

Following Kudlow’s reasoning, it was probably weak, undignified acts like this that started the ball rolling for the end of the British Empire.

It’s a sad commentary when someone – anyone – sees hugging as a sign of weakness.  I want both men and women to be able to hug, tear up, and display feelings without it being seen as a sign of weakness. Holding feelings in is like holding a beach ball under the water and once released (or it/they just can’t be held down anymore) it shoots up uncontrollably, spraying water everywhere.

Would Kudlow have thought that it showed America’s power if Obama had punched Emanuel for leaving his position? A punch appears more powerful than a hug or a handshake.

What do you think? More importantly how are you raising your sons and daughters? Are displays of hugging a sign of weakness?

Does Size Matter?|A Question For Female Biz Owners

“What’s Holding Back Women Entrepreneurs?” This provocative headline, from The Wall Street Journal, was the lead for a well-written and researched article by Sharon G. Hadary, Former Executive Director and Founder of the Center for Women’s Business Research, on why women-owned businesses are, on average, much smaller than men-owned firms.

by Andrea Levy, from WSJ article

Size Matters

The adage “It’s not the size of the ship but the navigator that counts” is not an adage that Hadary agrees with. She’s concerned that if the average revenues of majority women-owned businesses continue to remain around 27% of the average of majority men-owned businesses then (1) the health of the American economy suffers and (2) women business owners aren’t reaching their full potential.

Both concerns are important issues; but for me, it was one of the causes Hadary cited for the small-biz-size phenomenon that was particularly thought-provoking.

Self-limiting Thinking or Good Choice?

Hadary states that a primary cause for the lack of women running substantial, growing businesses is their self-limiting thinking regarding their businesses and themselves. She follows that by saying that women, compared to men, set smaller goals for growth and that research shows high goal setting is the significant predictor of business growth.

My questions are:

1. Couldn’t some women simply want to have smaller businesses and it have nothing to do with self-limited thinking?
2. Do women business leaders/entrepreneurs have to behave and make the same decisions as male business leaders in order not to be considered as self-limiting in their thinking?
3. Since there’s a wide range of variability within each gender, is it wise to make broad brush statements for women or men in business?

Hadary went on to say:

“Research also shows that the differences between women and men entrepreneurs begin with their own reasons for starting a business. Men tend to start businesses to be the “boss,” and their aim is for their businesses to grow as big as possible. Women start businesses to be personally challenged and to integrate work and family, and they want to stay at a size where they personally can oversee all aspects of the business.”

My questions are:

1. Does choosing to start a business that is personally challenging and provides a work/life balance, and therefore tends to keep the business smaller, ipso facto mean the business person has self-limiting thinking?
2. Should women, who make what could be called traditional choices (i.e., considering her children and family),  be labeled as weak business leaders for not living up to what others say is their full potential?
3. Why would attaining full potential be defined or determined by the present male standard of business size?

I want women and men to have equal opportunity to accomplish what they desire. That includes a woman choosing to scope the size of her business based on the personal challenge, her family and a desire for work/life balance without any suggestion of not living up to her potential. It also includes men having the opportunity to choose a smaller business size for the same reasons without their manhood being questioned.  By the same token, equal opportunity means that women can choose to be “the boss” and grow their businesses as large as they can.

What I don’t want is for women to be seen as not reaching their potential because they didn’t choose to do something the way a man did. That would be moving backwards not forward.

What do you think reaching full potential for a woman entrepreneur means?

Perfectionism Redux – The Curse Of The Perfect Mom

Life bites you when you least expect it.

Two days ago I posted about the myth of perfectionism, today I’m bent over sobbing because I wasn’t a perfect mom. Don’t misunderstand me, my sons are amazing human beings. They make mistakes – doesn’t bother me. They aren’t perfect – I’m fine with that. Except.

Except they feel pain. They have some of the anxieties I was riddled with when I raised them. I did that to them. I hate it. I want a do-over. This time I’ll use Mother’s Little Helper and there won’t be any anxiety to pass on. No self doubts filling the air to be absorbed through their gorgeous pink and plump little skin.

But then that idea gets screwed up when I read the cover story of Time Magazine entitled Fetal Origins: How The First Nine Months Shape the Rest of Your Life. Darn, how can I have the do-over I  planned if my sons were shaped during my pregnancies when I wouldn’t take Mother’s Little Helper because pills could damage the fetus.

I couldn’t read the article, not all of it anyway. Made me responsible again because one of the variables that affects the fetus is the mother’s state of mind and my state of mind was not always calm and confident, in fact, sometimes just the opposite. So like all the parenting books, this article is letting me know I’m responsible for passing this s**t on. Normally I don’t mind taking responsibility for things I did but this particular one feels like it’s breaking my back.

My rational, intellectual sides know I did the best I could during my pregnancies and raising my kids. But today I had to go routing through pictures  to remind me of all the happiness we had. Here’s a wonderful picture I came across of me doing-the-best-I-could with the sons who taught me that I have an infinite capacity to love.

My 2 yr old. showing his baby brother one of his farm animals.

But some days, like today, it’s not enough. Or at least that’s the story I’m telling myself. Ironically, I help women rewrite the stories they tell themselves in order to get rid of their negative or self-limiting thinking that creates inertia. I tell them it starts with awareness of their internal, personal storytelling. Sometimes that internal negative voice can only be changed when it’s externalized. That’s really why I’m nervously spilling my guts to you. I’m sharing my wrenching sobs, my pain and my shame of not being a perfect mom with you to help me move on to yet another level of acceptance and growth.

I’m going to cry for a few minutes more, then I’m slapping on some make-up and heading out the door into the sunshine.